The good samaritan syndrome

Is it easy for you to feel selfish? can anyone make you feel guilty with little to no effort? do you feel like you’re worth more if you put the needs of others before your owns? The answer to all of those questions for me is YES!!

I’m about to take a life changing step, one more on top of all the others that have been a result of my father’s death. This one though is a good and exciting one, it makes me happy and it feels 100% right. I’m moving, city. And I’m also moving in with my boyfriend whom I love very much.

I’ve known him for 9 months (a short period of time, I know) but he has showed me on numerous occasions that he’s a good match for me. He cares for me. Takes care of me and has this weird power of making everything better just by being there. I’m excited to see what’s in the cards for us.

Somehow though I feel a bit selfish, like I’m abandoning my family and somehow they’ve, unintentionally, perpetrated that thought. I say unintentionally because I know that they’re going through their own stuff and it’s been incredibly hard on everybody. I know they’re not trying to hurt me.

What has happened in the last few days though has made me think about my personality. I know I’ve always thought about everyone else’s interests and put their needs before my own, but I also know that I need to stop doing that. That as long as I am a good person and I try my best, I have to start thinking about my own needs and how to fulfill them. I think that the decision of moving to Madrid, which I’ve made completely on my own, is a good one towards that path.

There’s no space for guilt. I don’t need to justify myself or my decisions.

I’ll have to repeat that to myself over and over again until I believe it cause right now it’s hard and I do feel guilty.

All my love,

C.

“Living in Paris, driving a Range Rover”

Some things never change, Paris is and will forever be one of my favorite cities in the world.

Those were the words that came to my mind when on day one in college during a welcome conference the speaker asked us to close our eyes and think about where we saw ourselves in ten years time. That was more than ten years ago.

I currently live in Barcelona, about to move to Madrid, jobless and going through one of the toughest time I’ll probably ever have to live in my entire life. I recently lost my father (he died back in November) to a heart attack, he was 66. Exactly double my age, I am now as old as he was when he had me. Our realities at 33 could not be any more different.

I feel lost. That’s how I’ve been describing my life at the moment. Lost career wise, lost emotionally, just utterly lost.

I’m writing this because I don’t know what else to do with all the emotions and thoughts that haunt me daily. My anxiety has become who I am. My fear of the unknown is at its highest and I hope that writing it down can help processing it all.

So, this is probably not going to be a happy blog, I don’t even see it as a blog, it’s not journal. This is my therapist, for now. This is who I am, what I’m going through and if you’re reading this and can relate to some or all of it, maybe we can help each others getting through it.

PS: how shallow was I? “driving a Range Rover” If I could back I would tell myself to stop thinking about such unimportant things and focus on what truly matters.

All my love,

C.