The good samaritan syndrome

Is it easy for you to feel selfish? can anyone make you feel guilty with little to no effort? do you feel like you’re worth more if you put the needs of others before your owns? The answer to all of those questions for me is YES!!

I’m about to take a life changing step, one more on top of all the others that have been a result of my father’s death. This one though is a good and exciting one, it makes me happy and it feels 100% right. I’m moving, city. And I’m also moving in with my boyfriend whom I love very much.

I’ve known him for 9 months (a short period of time, I know) but he has showed me on numerous occasions that he’s a good match for me. He cares for me. Takes care of me and has this weird power of making everything better just by being there. I’m excited to see what’s in the cards for us.

Somehow though I feel a bit selfish, like I’m abandoning my family and somehow they’ve, unintentionally, perpetrated that thought. I say unintentionally because I know that they’re going through their own stuff and it’s been incredibly hard on everybody. I know they’re not trying to hurt me.

What has happened in the last few days though has made me think about my personality. I know I’ve always thought about everyone else’s interests and put their needs before my own, but I also know that I need to stop doing that. That as long as I am a good person and I try my best, I have to start thinking about my own needs and how to fulfill them. I think that the decision of moving to Madrid, which I’ve made completely on my own, is a good one towards that path.

There’s no space for guilt. I don’t need to justify myself or my decisions.

I’ll have to repeat that to myself over and over again until I believe it cause right now it’s hard and I do feel guilty.

All my love,

C.

Now things are weird..

I love this picture because it calms me.

He’s cautious around me. I think he’s afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. There’s a huge space between us because of so many reasons. The problem is, I don’t have the energy nor the will to address it. Do I want to make things better? I think I do.

It started a few days ago, the apathy. I don’ care about anything. Well, I do care about things, trivial things such as a tv show, clothes, the fact that my left wrist is starting to get wrinkles from all the times I lean my chin against it while job hunting. Meaningless things (except the wrist thing, it’s freaking me out ;).

How do I get back to my normal self, is what I’m feeling temporary and if it is, how long is it gonna last?

I think we’ve found a place to live, yes I’m moving in with my boyfriend. The timing is anything but perfect but I know I want to do this. Changes are scary and good and I know that he’s the one for me. I’m ready to start our life together. The only obstacle in the way right now is me. It’s how I’m feeling.

How do I get rid of this? What do I have to do to go back to my old self? Who knows.

Meanwhile I have to figure out how to reconnect with someone I’m about to spend my everyday with. Past, failed, experiences are feeding my anxiety on the subject. What if it happens again? Could I be able to recover this time? Would it take as long as the first time? I’m older now, would I be able to find love again?

Even thinking about being with someone who’s not my current partner makes me feel sick and extremely sad.

So, the plan for today is to read, cook and relax. Also to start thinking how we can work around the small closet in the apartament and see how my clothes and his can fit. So, I guess that besides the things I’ve listed before, a Marie Kondo marathon is a MUST.

All my love,

C.

PS: this is a follow up to the entry I’ve said it, now what? https://somekindoftherapy.home.blog/2019/03/27/ive-said-it-now-what/

I’ve said it, now what?

You’ve reached a conclusion. You know how you feel but you keep it inside because you don’t want to hurt a loved one.

I think we’ve all been there at some point in our life. Right now it’s happening to me. The difference is, for the first time in my life, I’ve said it out loud.

You’re probably thinking, “you’re making no sense give us a bit of context”.

I’ve been living with anxiety for 5 years now. Never went on medication because I’ve always known that I could keep it under control by practicing a few methods I learned from my therapist. My anxiety is related to control, or lack thereof. Everything and anything that falls under the category of the unknown causes immense anxiety in me to the point where it affects me physically.

,One of the topics that feed my anxiety is my career and the whole job hunting process. I hate it. I hate not being a normal person and being able to talk about it without spending entire weeks having trouble sleeping, or living with a never ending nausea wave and not being able to eat properly (or eating too much).

The people that have been around me for a while, family and friends know how to approach the subject in order to keep me calm. I can talk to them all I want about it and end the conversation feeling somewhat calm.

Now, here is when the situation gets tricky. Not everyone knows how to best approach the topic, not because they don’t understand that it causes high levels of anxiety but because I truly think they have different personalities or simply because they don’t understand it.

Well, he doesn’t know. Yesterday I told him. Today I’m freaking out.

It’s hard telling a person you love that talking to them about something makes you feel worse instead of better. That their method, although filled with good intentions, makes you feel ten times worse. That it causes anxiety episodes that last hours and keep you awake until three in the morning, because the reality is no one wants to hurt their loved ones. Especially not me (I have serious issues being honest if I know it’s gonna hurt the other person).

I don’t know what the point of this entry is, maybe getting it all out. I feel guilty, I feel bad. I hope I didn’t make him feel bad. At the end of the day though I have to do what it’s best for me and I have to be honest. Especially with everything going on.

Anxiety sucks. I wish I didn’t suffer from it. I’m trying my best.

All the love,

C.