I’ve said it, now what?

You’ve reached a conclusion. You know how you feel but you keep it inside because you don’t want to hurt a loved one.

I think we’ve all been there at some point in our life. Right now it’s happening to me. The difference is, for the first time in my life, I’ve said it out loud.

You’re probably thinking, “you’re making no sense give us a bit of context”.

I’ve been living with anxiety for 5 years now. Never went on medication because I’ve always known that I could keep it under control by practicing a few methods I learned from my therapist. My anxiety is related to control, or lack thereof. Everything and anything that falls under the category of the unknown causes immense anxiety in me to the point where it affects me physically.

,One of the topics that feed my anxiety is my career and the whole job hunting process. I hate it. I hate not being a normal person and being able to talk about it without spending entire weeks having trouble sleeping, or living with a never ending nausea wave and not being able to eat properly (or eating too much).

The people that have been around me for a while, family and friends know how to approach the subject in order to keep me calm. I can talk to them all I want about it and end the conversation feeling somewhat calm.

Now, here is when the situation gets tricky. Not everyone knows how to best approach the topic, not because they don’t understand that it causes high levels of anxiety but because I truly think they have different personalities or simply because they don’t understand it.

Well, he doesn’t know. Yesterday I told him. Today I’m freaking out.

It’s hard telling a person you love that talking to them about something makes you feel worse instead of better. That their method, although filled with good intentions, makes you feel ten times worse. That it causes anxiety episodes that last hours and keep you awake until three in the morning, because the reality is no one wants to hurt their loved ones. Especially not me (I have serious issues being honest if I know it’s gonna hurt the other person).

I don’t know what the point of this entry is, maybe getting it all out. I feel guilty, I feel bad. I hope I didn’t make him feel bad. At the end of the day though I have to do what it’s best for me and I have to be honest. Especially with everything going on.

Anxiety sucks. I wish I didn’t suffer from it. I’m trying my best.

All the love,

C.