Red is my favorite color

“Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance”

About to burst. That’s how I feel. All the time.

I always thought that anger as a stage of grief would manifest in anger because my father is not here, because someone (or something) took it from me too early. I never would have thought that it would be anger towards everything.

This anger is taking me to a point where I could seriously hit someone and the thought of it makes me feel better. I don’t like to admit this. I don’t like to talk about it and that’s why I think I should. It’s not healthy for me to bottle these feelings up, I don’t want them to take over me.

This is not who I am. I tend to get frustrated easily but this anger, it’s poisoning me.

A few days ago I was on the subway and a girl walked by me, I had my phone in my hand and she stared at it for a second. Barcelona is a city full of pit pocketers and for a minute I thought “I dare you to take it from me”, just so that I can defend myself and make use of all this anger. I wasn’t thinking about seriously injuring her, maybe some hair pulling, a slap across the face. You get the drill.

How do I intend to get rid of it? I have no idea.

For now I have a three steps rule:
1. Breathe
2. Think about something that calms you
3.Pray

I’m also looking into boxing or self defense classes in Madrid, not only they would help get rid of all this rage but I’d be learning a new skill. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m interested in knowing if some of you are going through the same thing, either because of grief or other reasons and how you’re tackling it.

All my love,

C.


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