He’s cautious around me. I think he’s afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. There’s a huge space between us because of so many reasons. The problem is, I don’t have the energy nor the will to address it. Do I want to make things better? I think I do.
It started a few days ago, the apathy. I don’ care about anything. Well, I do care about things, trivial things such as a tv show, clothes, the fact that my left wrist is starting to get wrinkles from all the times I lean my chin against it while job hunting. Meaningless things (except the wrist thing, it’s freaking me out ;).
How do I get back to my normal self, is what I’m feeling temporary and if it is, how long is it gonna last?
I think we’ve found a place to live, yes I’m moving in with my boyfriend. The timing is anything but perfect but I know I want to do this. Changes are scary and good and I know that he’s the one for me. I’m ready to start our life together. The only obstacle in the way right now is me. It’s how I’m feeling.
How do I get rid of this? What do I have to do to go back to my old self? Who knows.
Meanwhile I have to figure out how to reconnect with someone I’m about to spend my everyday with. Past, failed, experiences are feeding my anxiety on the subject. What if it happens again? Could I be able to recover this time? Would it take as long as the first time? I’m older now, would I be able to find love again?
Even thinking about being with someone who’s not my current partner makes me feel sick and extremely sad.
So, the plan for today is to read, cook and relax. Also to start thinking how we can work around the small closet in the apartament and see how my clothes and his can fit. So, I guess that besides the things I’ve listed before, a Marie Kondo marathon is a MUST.
All my love,
PS: this is a follow up to the entry I’ve said it, now what? https://somekindoftherapy.home.blog/2019/03/27/ive-said-it-now-what/